beauofkilronan / Recent Entries

Lost my phone in a bar whilst on a night out yesterday. Probably got stolen, didn’t set up the Find My iPhone thing. It’s hitting me hard – though I know I’m not the only one who’s ever lost a phone. The bar staff told us they'll check the CCTV footage and update us accordingly, but I'm not holding my breath.

I’ve had the phone since April of last year (so haven’t even had the phone for a year!) It was a time of my life when I was going nowhere. Despite that, my parents bought it for me. Initially, I was confused. I was depressed, was failing my subjects, was severely and painfully dissatisfied with my life yet lacked any sort of motivation to change things. I would come to know, when I told them, that they bought it for me as 1.) to reinforce my importance to them during a period when I felt like nothing and 2.) to hopefully push me to get my life back on track again. Note: need to remember how much luckier I am than most in that department in spite of the baggage and the frustrations with them.

Well now, I’ve been pretty happy with my life. It’s a far cry to the isolated shut-in I was before. I went back to college, made friends, etc. It even explains why I haven’t updated much since the first month I went back to school. In times when I actually do enjoy my life, I get less of an urge to engage in online communities.

And of course, there’s all the pictures, the screenshots, the notes. They aren’t saved in the cloud. Everything on that phone was a nice little archive of my life over the past nine months. I’m a very sentimental person, the type who finds it difficult to throw away a test paper from the 5^th grade, so you can imagine how much this realization shakes me.

I know, it's just a phone, it's just a phone. That's what the rational part of me says. Still. Losing the phone is fucking me up but I think I’m more upset about the things mentioned above. The sentimental stuff, what getting the phone meant to me in the context of my life. With all that in mind, it all feels heavier than just a phone.

I did all the usual things by now, removing that device from my accounts. But right now, I just want to live that early 2010s Tumblr Wi-Fi addiction cliché: order overpriced coffee and food (that is, if I actually get some appetite), retreat into my room, and binge-watch a bunch of shows. Maybe I'll even go back to writing fanfiction again! Isolating myself from the life I’ve recently started to enjoy seems very tempting. I don’t want to think about my classes, I don’t want to think about my friends.

On another note: one of the main purposes behind setting this account up in the first place was to share fiction writing and plots. And my blog decidedly has none of that. I'm still deciding whether to go on with it or keep this as purely an online diary.

distressed
Starting Over - LSD and the Search for God

Last night I posted on my Instagram story for what seemed like an eternity; a quick look at my archives shows that my last story was dated 2020. It was just a small clip of the college basketball game I attended. A close friend from high school viewed the story, and upon viewing her profile, I noticed she had removed me — so not only did she unfollow me, but she made it so that I unfollowed her as well.

To be honest, she was well within her right to do so given our history. I hadn't been the kindest, most considerate friend at that point in my life, which culminated in me ignoring her messages for months the summer after last the year of high school (this was way back in 2019).

We did reconnect before the pandemic hit, and we even hung out together a few times, so despite not catching up with each other since, I guess I assumed things had been okay between us. It's been literal years, and it looks like she's moved on from the mutual friends we had as well, so it's not like I expected us to reconnect ever again. It does still sting though. I do regret the way I've treated not just her, but everyone I knew when I was a teenager. I'm thankful for the people who still stayed.

It just all reminded me that I had severely underestimated the importance of human relationships. I thought of myself as disposable and treated others accordingly as a result. I had spent so much of my life thinking my presence never mattered and that I could never deeply affect another person's life. But my presence did matter, and everything I did affected somebody else. People have laughed, people have cried because of me; they thought of me, talked about me. I'm just as much of a people's person as anyone else.

I waited for the perfect group of people to come into my life, but the only people that matter are the ones around me, the ones already in my life. I am just now, after years of isolation, realising how important it is to show up for people and to take them into account. And this is precisely as to why I came to the basketball game yesterday when my classmate invited me, despite never having been a sports person. I can't afford to miss out anymore!!!

rejected
Good Luck, Babe! - Chappell Roan

This journal is still alive, I swear! For the past two weeks we've been having issues with our internet connection, so I've had to rely on my dad's hotspot (which can be inconsistent) or on campus Wi-Fi. Pair that with the fact that my commute has rendered me exhausted most days, I haven't really had the time to sit down and write an entry, though I have been reading everyone else's.

However, I would like to share a small victory I had today. I'm taking French I, which is French for basically beginners. I know a bit already through years of on-off self-study, so it's been a relative breeze so far. Today, we talked about the seasons, the months, and the days of the week (I told you it was for beginners!) and we had to each tell the class when our birthdays were... in French, of course. Well, my professor noticed that I said "j'suis/chuis" as opposed to "je suis", which is like an informal version of the latter. It's common in spoken French, but it's one of those colloquial things that I guess wouldn't be taught in a formal French class. So he actually recognised that, and pointed out how it was obvious I already had some background knowledge. I never had any formal instruction in French nor do I get the chance to converse with actual French speakers, so despite that my "competition" - for a lack of a better word - consisted of people completely new to the language, it still was nice to be recognised in that capacity. I'm currently in the process of making my mark here in college, so I feel like this tiny thing steered me towards a positive direction.

pleased
Age of Consent - New Order

I had just finished my first full week of the academic term, so after spending a little over a year bumming it out in my parents' house, it feels weird getting excited for the weekend again. It's been pretty good, if a bit tiring, especially the commute. I don't mind it though; it's good to have places to be, to work towards something. I'm happy I'm at a point mentally where I can handle responsibilities again... without it being a burden this time!

I think that an important thing that you guys should know with regards to me being in college is that I'm in my first year... at 23. In the wise words of blink-182 (1999), "nobody likes you when you're 23, and you still act like you're in freshman year," except I actually am in my freshman year, haha. It's actually my third stint of university, and the reasons for my unorthodox and non-linear life path is a long story for another time. Hint: it involved a prescription for anti-depressants and benzodiazepines, so not the best part of my life to say the least. I'm determined to get my degree this time around though!

(I guess in other countries being a 23 year old in your first year of university isn't the most radical thing, and is in fact probably nothing of note at all. It kind of is over here though. I'm sick of people asking me why I'm still studying as if it's against the law or something, I just feel judged whether they actually are doing so or not. Such is the life of a pioneer?)

There was an orientation I had attended earlier this afternoon, organised by the upperclassmen I think, and it was just unnerving to be confronted with the fact that I might even be older than they are. Of course, unless if they somehow had access to my full birthday, the age difference isn't so apparent, and college is a different ballpark where stuff like that really doesn't matter anyway. I've heard it all: everyone has their own path, life is not a race, etc., etc. I went on my own, because my seatmate (who coincidentally is the same age as I am and has the exact same schedule) didn't end up going, so it was really awkward and isolating being seated alone next to people taking selfies with each other. It made me feel excluded, though maybe I'm just being dramatic. Making friends, especially IRL, has always been a source of difficulty for me, but I hope I make more in college as time goes on.

Right now though, I need to catch up on replies on here. Oh, and the assignments as well. :P And I really want to get my ear pierced.

tired
Like A Friend - Pulp

The past few years of my life — an emotional whirlwind to say the least — has been documented in journals: A brown notebook, referenced in the subject line, that I never let anyone even touch; an account on Twitter, which really is less of a journal and more of a dump for my crude, unpolished thoughts.

I still journal by hand on that notebook, but I'm not as consistent as I'd like to be. I have no idea how it has improved my writing if at all, seeing as much of my entries are comprised of thought-vomits with little regard for eloquence and the like. As for that twitter account, well, I've been using it less and less as time goes by. Pretty much none of the friends I made there are still active (bar E, also the only one who regularly engages with the nonsense I post: shout-out!), and I haven't really had any interest to reach out to new people on there. The fact that bots have invaded my followers list should be a testament to that site's sordid state.

So my self-expression has just been me screaming into the void. I honestly don't mind it though. As long as I actually do get to scream, as long as I get to have my cozy corner of the internet... really, just the fact that I have that outlet is enough for me.

Of course, engagement would always be welcomed. And I'd love to meet new like-minded people and read about what's going on in their lives. So I decided to hop on here, to open that option up. I'll try to put some semblance of effort to what I write on here, knowing that there's the possibility of an audience no matter how small. So helloooo. :)

contemplative
Milk and Honey #1 - Arcade Fire

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

Navigation

is it because i lied when i was seventeen?

Recent Entries

(no subject)

apologies for hijacking an entry supposedly about hurting an old friend and making it about myself

une petite victoire + commuting is hell lol

you are the party that makes me feel my age

when a notebook just doesn't cut it...

Profile

January 2025

Syndicate

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags